Let’s face it: your sex education was dreadful. More than likely, it left you feeling confused, scared, or isolated. But if you’re disabled, those feelings were probably amplified because “disabled people don’t have sex.” Except, of course, we do and we should be talking about it! So let’s get down to the nitty gritty here and answer some common questions.
So tell me, how the hell do disabled people fuck?
Well, that’s going to look different for different people, but it’s important to remember that there isn’t just one way to have sex. Your mouth, fingers, anus, breasts, everything can provide a pleasurable experience. Sex is however you define it. It can be mutual masturbation, phone sex, outercourse, etc. It doesn’t matter as long as you and your partner(s) are having safe and consensual fun.
How do I talk to my partner about my disability?
Communication is key! Whether you’re looking for a partner for a night or a lifetime, there are always things you’re going to need to talk about before doing the deed. What you disclose about your disability is up to you, but if you’re comfortable, it can be helpful to give your partner a heads up about how your disability might affect having sex. Whether that’s a simple “X position makes my knees hurt so I can’t do that,” or “Hey, just a heads up, I have this condition and it might make me more disoriented. Can we check in more often?”
If you have a disability where your ability to withdraw consent may be affected, it can be helpful to talk to your partner about signs that you’re not feeling alright. For example, if you have panic attacks where you go non-verbal, it can be helpful to discuss with your partner(s) signs of an upcoming panic attack and what to do during it.
And while safe-words are typically associated with the kink world, they can be helpful as well for people with disabilities. If you have trouble saying the word “stop” because of trauma, then a safe-word such as “red” or “apples” can help ease that. Also, establishing a non-verbal safe-word system can be beneficial for anyone. For example, three taps on your partner’s body can mean “stop.” Whatever system to communicate consent you come up with, make sure it’s clear and understood by both you and your partner(s).
It can be really scary and awkward to talk about these things with someone new. But frankly, if your partner isn’t willing to work with you to make sure sex is enjoyable for both of you, they aren’t worth it. Your safety is more important than their comfort.
But sex can be hard, painful, and not enjoyable. How do I change this?
There’s no shame in realizing that you might need some help to make sex a more enjoyable experience. Everyone deserves pleasure! There’s absolutely no shame in trying different things in the bedroom. If you find something that works, great! And if things don’t work for you, you don’t have to do them again. Your version of sex doesn’t need to look like everyone else’s. It’s also completely okay to realize that you don’t want to have sex right now-or ever. But if you do, here are a few different things to try in order to find out what works for you:
- Switch up positions! If certain positions are causing you pain or fatigue, feel free to search for sex positions that are low-impact on your joints or require minimal movement for low energy days. For example, the spooning position can be great when you’re exhausted but still DTF.
- Try different acts! If you’re used to the same old same old, switch it up! Ask for the night to be focused on only using your mouths. This way, you can explore what feels good without the pressure of moving onto other acts.
- Have a session dedicated solely to you. If you don’t know what feels good, talk to your partner(s) about having time where the focus is only on making you feel good. Don’t worry about your partner’s pleasure during this. This is for you to explore. Communicate what you want, what feels good and what doesn’t. Together you should be able to find some new things that make you feel good.
- Add mutual masturbation to your routine! This is a great way to show your partner(s) just how you like to be touched while staying in the mood. And on low energy days, this is a great way to increase intimacy and get off with each other without all the extra work involved.
- Add in sex toys! They’re a great way to increase pleasure while helping decrease fatigue and pain!
How do I find a toy that works for me?
Did you know that there are sex toys specifically designed for disabled people? Whether you’re looking for solo or partnered fun, there’s likely a toy that will work for you. Feel free to look on this handy list to see if there’s a toy that sparks your interest 😉
But how can I adapt what I already have?
Sex toys can help people amplify their sex lives. However, not all of them are made to be easy for people with physical disabilities to use. Fear not though, many of these toys are compatible with accessories that can help disabled people use them more effectively.
- Dildo Handles are great for people who may have difficulty gripping the base of a dildo, reaching their parts, or who may struggle using other dildo harnesses.
- Leg dildo harnesses are a great alternative to a traditional waist harnesses. These can be great for people who may struggle with any pain or mobility issues in their hips as a leg harness can be strapped to one’s thigh and can provide more ability to experiment with positioning and momentum.
- Wand harnesses/holders can be a great tool for both self and partnered pleasure. Wand vibrators can be heavy to be held for extended amounts of time; so harnesses that can strap a wand to a pillow, chair, or a person can be great for anyone with fatigue, weakness, hand pain. It could also be great for anyone who wants to use the wand while seated to reduce pain/dizziness with movement.
- Pillows/Wedges are a great tool for positioning. If the price-point of sex specific wedges is a little too high for you, you can also try a wedge pillow or stack memory foam pillows to your liking.
- Doggy Style Straps are a way for people who enjoy this position to reconnect without the discomfort. By positioning the strap around the person on bottom’s waist, it allows less stress on the back and knees when thrusting while reducing any marks on the skin.
- The Ohnut is a way for anyone with a vagina that experiences discomfort with penetration to control the depth of penetration. This is great for people with vaginismus, endometriosis, or those who just have pain upon penetration.
But I still feel like something’s missing…
Feel free to get creative in the bedroom! Having hot, pleasurable, sex is all about figuring out what works for you. There are no one-size-fits-all solutions and it’s okay to do what you need to do to adapt. You deserve to feel good and empowered.
- Feel like your mobility aids will help in the bedroom? Bring them! They can help aid in repositioning.
- Do you have POTs and fear passing out? Bring in snacks/water and take breaks.
- Compression garments can help increase blood flow back to the heart, especially after orgasm spikes your blood pressure
- Struggle with comfortable positioning? Pillows, cushions, and even sex swings may help to get you in a position you can stay in all night long.
I promise that you can find ways to enjoy sex. You just might have to think out of the box! Have you tried any of the adaptations listed above? Do you have any tips I haven’t listed here? Feel free to comment down below!.
